I figured that as most of my drinking was done in secret, it would be a bit weird to shout about my new-found sobriety. So that’s why no one knows that I’ve stopped drinking yet. That is, apart from all of you wonderful people out there in the sober blogosphere.
On that note, I wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who has contacted me and offered advice, support and inspiration. I don’t want to go to any kind of AA group, not at the moment anyway. But I’ve realised I do need to talk about what’s been going on. My drinking has been such a big secret, a big burden. It’s felt very isolating at times, but not any more.
Anyway, back to life away from here – part of me is proud of what I’m doing and wants to tell everyone, in a hey! Please be happy for me! type of way. But a much bigger part of me is very worried about telling people. Because that would mean admitting there was a problem in the first place.
Over the years I have put a lot of effort into hiding the extent of my drinking. My friends think I drink like they do: a bit of wine with dinner, cocktails out with the girls. Getting silly and a bit tipsy but never fall down, black out drunk. They all grew out of that at uni. What my friends don’t realise is that when we go out, unless we get really smashed, I will need to drink more when I get home. Because, you know, it’s hard work pretending to drink like a normal person all night.
Of course, there have been a few slip ups. There was the time a colleague asked me if I thought the lift we’d just got out of had smelt of stale alcohol? There’s the time my sister came round to watch a DVD but I drank so much I passed out and she couldn’t wake me. She’s younger than me and I know this scared her. Then there’s the time I had to explain to a housemate why a night in front of the TV had led to me getting so drunk I’d been sick everywhere. And who can forget last year’s Christmas party, when I pulled a friend of a friend and we did a LOT of snogging in front of a room full of pretty sober colleagues – and my boss. I still cringe at that.
There are countless other embarrassing memories but I won’t go into them now. What I was going to ask was – what are your experiences of telling people you were no longer drinking? I’d appreciate your thoughts.
Tagged: AA, binge drinking, blogging, early sobriety, secrets, support groups
The Sober Journalist 
I just stepped onto your blog, and I have to first say congrats! It’s a big step to want to get sober, whether in secret or not. I’m 23 and have been sober for 1 1/2 years and I used to hide that for awhile (even though everyone knew that I had a problem), because it was something I was ashamed of. Now though, I don’t need to publicize it and tell every person I meet, but if someone asks, I just say I don’t drink. If they question more, I have no problem saying I’m in recovery and sober and happy. It is a touchy subject though, especially within a work environment. But I trust you’ll figure it out and be okay! Best of luck!
Hi Ellen,
Congratulations on being sober for so long! I wish I had made the same decision when I was 23. Thanks for the advice. I have some friends who I think will be fine about it and won’t really care. But others will be a bit surprised, suspicious even. But I’ll deal with that when it happens!
K
Hi Kate,
One option, which I’ve found people can accept/understand a bit easier than mention of recovery, is “I can’t drink, alcohol just doesn’t agree with me anymore.” they either accept that or say “what?” and I close it off with ” It makes me really ill these days, so I can’t drink.”
I’m telling the truth, because I do feel ill (physically, emotionally, mentally) when i drink and/or after i drink AND the phrase reminds me why I am not drinking. People usually just focus on the physical, and most seem to accept physical illnesses with less judgement than mental/addiction issues. And nobody really has any right to know why i’m not drinking any more than i have the right to know why they ARE drinking.
Your idea of the health thing is awesome too, whatever works for YOU.
take care,
Grace
‘Alcohol no longer agrees with me’ is a great line to use – and as you say, it is actually true too! x
I am here, poking about on my third day of sobriety, and I have to say thank you – I love this line! “Alcohol no longer agree with me.” So true, and brilliant. I shall certainly be using this at Thanksgiving here in the States (wish me luck…it’s on Thursday) xx
Hi Kate, it’s nice to find you! Congrats on the decision to get sober, that’s awesome!
I’m not sure I ever shouted it from the rooftops, but I never hid it or lied about it either. I just stopped ordering it when we went out, and if someone offered, I either just said, “no thanks” or “no, I don’t drink.” Not many pushed me on the “why”, but if someone did ask why, I just said I quit drinking for my health or because it interfered with my running.
Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives or own drinking to worry much about your drinking or not; I think *we* think it’s a much bigger deal than anyone else does. So just treat it like it’s not a big deal…
There’s a great book called “Sober For Good” by Anne Fletcher (available on Amazon). It has a lot of other options in it than just AA, and it also has a big section on what others say when asked about their drinking–I’d highly recommend it.
~ Christy
Hi Christy, I think you’re right, telling people seems a much bigger deal to me than it really is. Thanks for the book recommendation, I’m going to order that now. Congrats on all the running and staying sober. I’m doing my first half marathon later this year and know staying sober will definitely help with my training programme!
Kate
Ooh good luck with your half! Running really saved me at the beginning of my sobriety. Love those endorphins! Feel free to talk running with me any day.
And enjoy the book, I hope it will be a helpful resource.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Christy
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I am currently working on abstaining from secret (and sometimes not-so-secret) drinking. My ah-ha moment involved my 4-year son old remembering an overly emotional evening that I had with my husband….following a fun night out with family, which I decided to follow-up with wine at home…and a black-out. He remembers…I do not. My husband remembers…I do not. I don’t want my child’s memories of me to be like that. It was not bad…but is very scary to me, as a normally great mom, to not remember. I wish you well on your journey. Thanks for writing this blog.
Hi…just coming to terms with my heavy drinking myself. I am in the middle of divorce proceedings from my husband of 28 years (my choice, not his…no infidelity involved on either side) and while I’d like to blame it on this, I have to admit to myself and all of you that I’ve had a problem for years. Self reflection is so hard…I have denied it forever. It’s not as thought my drinking interfered with my job or other responsibilities, but looking back, I can think of many, many instances when I should clearly have drawn the line in having another drink and did not. I even went so far as to stop drinking for a year to prove to my (soon to be ex) that I was not an alcoholic. But started drinking again…and it all just snowballs. I have driven while intoxicated and THANK GOD no one was hurt. My “ah-ha” moment came last night, and this morning, when after not drinking for a month at the request of my adult daughters who were concerned (I showed up smashed a month ago after drinking and driving during St Pat’s celebration) I poured myself a big glass of wine to go with my yummy lasagna and my daughter left the room angry. She means the world to me and has been through a lot with the divorce, etc and I am now wracked with guilt over that pour. Truth is, I also had 3 glasses of wine at the bar while waiting for my take out pasta. What was I thinking? How could anything be more important than her in my life? And if I don’t just stop, I know I’ll lose her and her respect.Obviously, I could go on. Point is I don’t want my kids to have that image of me either.
Keep your fingers crossed for me all.
Kate, you are so inspriational – I’ve read all of your posts today but was moved most by this one. I’m a bit of a old fogey compared to you I guess, so I’ve been struggling with the wolf silently for around 15 years. I’m always proud of myself when I make it a week, which usually leads to a secret personal celebration involving “just a couple” with my wife at dinner – “here’s to my freshly evolved mature drinking!” ….you know the drill. My biggest worry was my friends and what they might think….friends of 25+ years who I’ve been bending with for most of those years. While I’ve had plenty of these moments, Saturday and Sunday were the worst: Saturday dinner out with my wife, she believes I had the “one” at dinner, but she obviously missed the cleverly consumed NINE other beers that day. She was curious why I asked her to drive home after my “one”. Sunday started with the killer hangover at church, then my insistence on taking the girls to dance so “I could run while they practiced”, which I did. What I failed to mention is that I kept two ice cold tall boys in a small cooler in my car which were quickly consumed after my 7 mile run, then off to the bar to watch NCAA games and consuming 3 more. Then pick up the daughters and drive home under the influence. Jesus help me – guess I’ve got a bit more to worry about than my pitiful friends after all. I’m at the end of the line – today is day 1….
May God richly bless you for your candor – it has already blessed me.
I had another embarrassing day yesterday due to alcohol. I woke up today and I realized that I do have a problem. I’m also worried about being judged, mostly because I’m already judging my self. I too would like to live my life sober! I think your blog is going to be good help for me
Anonymous – good for you. You won’t regret it, I sure don’t! I sleep better, have lost weight and exercise without the joy of acid reflux. Keep reading, there is great stuff out here….certainly helped me.
Hey girl, I just came across your blog and I want to tell you how excited I am to find another person going through what I am.
I wish I was already at 1.5 years sober. What a feat! But here I am all the way down at these older posts realizing that you, too, were once where I am now… And I’m so excited to see your progress.
One day I plan to be that long sober. Alcohol is a crutch, and I don’t want it to be anymore. I’m so glad to see your life going so on track, and I’m so excited to be able to look back on this next year and actually remember it! Sobriety is more beautiful than it’s given credit for!
Keep up the good work, and keep us in the loop! It’s so helpful and encouraging! 🙂
Hi I’m Janet and this is my second day without a drink after passing out and drinking 2and a half bottles of wine now I’m at. My parents house looking after there dog and my dad has left me a three page letter saying he’s worried about my drinking and so forth and he doesn’t want to lose another child my brother took his own life 2 years ago and it’s been difficult for us all I know I need to quit but can’t announce it cause of my job I hope I can keep goin for me and my mom and dad I can really relate to your story about drinking alone and passing out on the couch I hope I can make it too thanks for your story