The sugar monster

Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. White chocolate Magnums. Nutella on toast. Green and Black’s chocolate. Pick n mix sweets. Cake …. biscuits … and more cake.

Recently, I’ve been eating far too much of all of the above.

I’ve always had a sweet tooth, but nowadays I seem to love sugar more than ever. I know it’s common to crave it when you first stop drinking and I did experience that a little. In fact to start with I pretty much ate what I fancied because staying sober was the only thing I cared about.

Then, for a short time, things changed quite dramatically. As the pink clouds rolled in I began to eat more healthily. I was on a sober high. I think many of us know this feeling; after years of beating yourself up with alcohol, it feels so good when you finally stop that you just want to look after yourself by sleeping properly, exercising and eating nutritious food.

Of course, that saintly living didn’t last. Fast forward to now and I’m happy to say that tomorrow I will be 5 months sober (yippee!! I am very happy about this) … however on the way to this milestone I seem to have acquired a bit of a sugar addiction.

I’m still doing a lot of good things, like going to the gym and cooking from scratch (all made possible because of one of the best gifts of sobriety – the ability to get shit done). So that’s good. But in the evenings I find myself ploughing through tubs of ice cream and eating Nutella out the jar. I am never quite satisfied.

It’s become my way of treating/rewarding myself at the end of the day. There’s a sod-it element to it all. A ‘you’ve been good all day now you deserve whatever you fancy’ type mentality. That kind of thought process is very similar to how I justified my drinking. I also binge on sweet treats when I’m sad or unhappy. If I’ve had a bad day, my first thought is no longer ‘what am I going to buy to drink?’ but ‘what am I going to get to eat?’.

I deserve it don’t I? Just like I used to ‘deserve’ all those bottles of wine. 

What I can’t decide is how big a deal this really is. Part of me thinks: don’t worry. After all, it’s still fairly early days. Stopping drinking is an amazing achievement and if my biggest concern is about eating too much ice cream then that’s not a bad place to be. I’d always like to be a dress size smaller but I haven’t put on weight, yet. And so far overdosing on chocolate hasn’t led to me missing work, passing out on the sofa or sleeping with men I’ve only just met. 

On the other hand, I can see that using anything as a way of dealing with emotions is not wise. If (fingers crossed) I stay sober for good, will I still be doing the same thing in several years time? I remember going to restaurants as a child and always, always wanting dessert even if I was stuffed from the main course. Always wanting chocolate as my after school snack. Maybe sugar was my first love, before I discovered a much better substitute in my teenage years.

Is it unreasonable to want to be ‘fixed’ completely, within a few months? Is this my alcoholism talking, the part of me that just wants everything right now?

Day 50

Wowee – I am fifty days sober today!

All in all, it’s gone pretty quick. The first few weeks dragged, but then somehow the numbers just started ticking over.

You know what? Sometimes this sober stuff is hard work but most of the time it is pretty damn amazing. Today the sun is shining and I feel GREAT!

I kind of celebrated my 50 days yesterday when I got a bit carried away shopping for summer clothes online – that’s how I justified the cost anyway – today I am going to a spinning class and then eating ice cream. Cos that’s how I roll these days….

Sushi, ice cream and staying up all night

I finished a run of night shifts this morning. I hate working nights but it’s a big part of my job at the moment. I work nights every other week and have been doing so for a couple of years.

In the past, night shifts have been one of the few times you could guarantee I’d be stone cold sober. Staying awake all night is hard enough without adding a hangover into the mix. So no matter what happened, I wouldn’t drink until the last night shift was over.

Of course, the end of that shift could never come soon enough. When 9.00 am finally rolled round I’d go straight home and open the bottle of wine waiting for me in the fridge. I’d stand in the kitchen gulping back my first glass, barely tasting it. Then a second and a third. Then on to something else. I’d have lots of snacks prepared, to soak up some of the alcohol without taking the buzz off.

When you’re trying to get out of night shift mode, the trick is to get just a few hours sleep and then force yourself to stay awake so you can go to bed at a normal time in the evening. It’s not nice – you inevitably feel tired and groggy. I used to think that drinking during this transition period was a good use of my time. Can you believe that?! A ‘good’ use of my time.

My thinking went like this: I’ll have to get shit faced at some point soon, I can feel the need to do that building. I’m so tired that today is going to be a write-off anyway. If I start now I can drink as much as I like and it doesn’t matter if I pass out. When I come round later I’ll have had a bit of sleep and will be sobering up. I could have a takeaway for dinner and then go to bed. By the morning I won’t even have a hangover!

Logical thinking huh? More often than not, I’d resurface mid afternoon and the monster inside my head would still not be satisfied. So I’d end up going to the shop round the corner, drinking all evening and waking up with a hangover the next day, which ruined my day off.

So … this morning I thought I might struggle. Perhaps this was going to be a trigger? But actually, I totally kicked ass. I came home, had a huge breakfast and went to bed for three hours. Got up when my alarm went off and made myself get out of bed straight away. I went into town and ran a load of errands. Stopped by the gym for a yoga class. Bought takeaway sushi on the way home. Watched TV in my pyjamas. Wrote this blog whilst eating ice cream. Life is good.