Yesterday Carrie wrote a great post about missing the chaos of drinking. When I read it I realised that this was something that’d been niggling away at me. Like Carrie, I sometimes miss the recklessness and sheer abandonment of getting totally shit faced. Plus, drinking was my hobby. It filled my time as well as conveniently helping me experience and process a range of different emotions. It was there when I wanted to celebrate and it was there when I was sad, or stressed, or bored. Without alcohol life sometimes feels a bit empty. Even though all these great things have happened since I stopped, and I don’t have any real urge to drink, life feels a bit boring at times.
I’m sure I read somewhere that when you quit drinking the lows stop being so low and the highs are even higher. Well so far I haven’t really found that. I’m just going steady, somewhere in the middle. So yeah, the lows aren’t as low but where are the highs?
The other thing is that since I’ve stopped drinking I can’t really let myself just ‘be’. I’d quite like to spend a whole day in my pyjamas watching crap TV but because I used to do that whilst knocking back wine, I don’t want to tempt fate by doing it sober. I don’t want to risk getting bored because that seems a bit dangerous. So like some weirdo control freak I plan what I’m going to do on my days off. Even when I haven’t got much on I’ll work out exactly when I’m going to do things like go the gym and will mentally create a little schedule for the day.
I guess drinking just disguised a lot of the little holes in my life but now I can’t hide from anything. I have to actually experience every single emotion. And all this endless self-analysis is a bit of a bummer sometimes. Sometimes I’d just like to not think.