The strongest cravings take you by surprise

Today I was on my way home when I found myself walking behind a cute guy in a smart suit. He was carrying a few groceries in a see-through plastic bag, like he’d just swung by the supermarket. There was a stick of French bread poking out the top of the bag, but what caught my eye was a bottle of red wine that seemed to be looking straight at me.

I could murder a glass of red wine, I thought. I miss it so much.
 
I looked at the bag more closely. I bet he has some cheese in there too. That’s what I’d buy. Bread, cheese and a bucket of wine. Maybe he’s going back to the flat he shares with his girlfriend? Maybe they’re going to have a romantic night in. Not only did I long for the wine but I yearned for the whole picture: the thoughtful boyfriend, the night in cuddled on the sofa, the sophisticated chit chat over a glass or two. 
 
I am never going to have that now.
 
The guy walked into my building and we got the lift together. I turned my back on him and pretended to study the wall.
 
Where did that intense craving come from? I haven’t lusted after wine like that for weeks. I’m tired today but was in a pretty good mood at the time. I’d just had a sports massage – a necessary evil – and was congratulating myself on being proactive and doing something about my aching legs before I got injured. Before I stopped drinking I’d have never got round to that kind of thing.
 
The wine wasn’t even nice wine. I’m pretty sure I recognised the brand – it was the cheap stuff that’s normally on offer. He hadn’t even picked decent wine and still I wanted it.
 
It wasn’t long before the craving passed, maybe twenty minutes or so. As I write this, several hours later, I feel absolutely fine. It’s as if I’m writing about another person. Weird. I’d still like a cute boyfriend who brings home dinner though…
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7 thoughts on “The strongest cravings take you by surprise

  1. Lilly May 30, 2013 at 2:08 am Reply

    Ah, this really spoke to me. I could fully see the whole scene and the sense of longing. But, like you pointed out, it’s the whole package fantasy – the boyfriend, the intimacy, the notion we’ve been sold that wine equals sophistication and romance and relaxing. You’ve also done what we all do when talking about this though, “a glass or two” … would it really have been? I’m guessing probably not or you wouldn’t be writing this blog. For me in that scenario the reality would more likely be feeling twitchy the whole time knowing half a bottle wouldn’t feel like enough and would set off intense cravings for more and could I get more?

    God, thinking about that took me back to a time many, many years ago when a boyfriend and I used to regularly get a bottle to share in that exact scenario and even way back then I remember being so focused on the wine and how much I was drinking and he was drinking and wishing it were more.

    Still, I hear you.

    You are doing great hon. Keep going.

    • soberjournalist May 30, 2013 at 9:37 pm Reply

      You’re totally right, it would never have been a ‘glass or two’. I would have spent the evening with one eye on the bottle, wondering if we were going to open another. Trying to top up my glass without looking greedy. Working so hard to make it look like I didn’t care what we drank.

      So I know that’s what it would be like really… just don’t know why I’m romanticising it so much. The curse of rose tinted glasses …

  2. carrythemessage May 30, 2013 at 3:58 am Reply

    I think Lilly said pretty much what I would have said! The fantasy, the romanticism (of the wine, mostly…the boy would have been secondary after a glass or two), the whole thing.

    The urges come hard and fast…and they also leave hard and fast. There is not set of circumstances that usually precipitate them. They just come. Random. Ugh. I used to get that mental obsession going very well, thank you very much, and I had to distract myself very early on in recovery to avoid that mental craving from materializing into a bottle (I was going to type “glass” but I hadn’t used a glass in a long time by the end…glug from the bottle straight).

    You’re doing great.:)

    Love and light,
    Paul

    • soberjournalist May 30, 2013 at 9:44 pm Reply

      Yes the truth is the boy would have just been in the way after I’d had a few glasses!

  3. carrieonsober May 30, 2013 at 11:20 pm Reply

    Oh I have been craving red wine today too. In the supermarket, I was lusting after the bottles. Everyone else in the queue had wine in the basket but not me. I had to take a deep breath and tell myself to get a grip! At 80 plus days though it doesn’t last and it’s a thought not a longing anymore and definitely not a pull!
    Focus on pulling a fit bloke instead – who needs Blossom Hill! or whatever it was!
    You are doing fab! X

    • soberjournalist May 30, 2013 at 11:52 pm Reply

      How did you know it was Blossom Hill?! Congrats on your 80 plus days! x

      • carrieonsober May 31, 2013 at 7:44 am

        Ha ha! Of course it was. Different corner shop, same shit! Thanks! Cx

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